you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
