I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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