The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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