Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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