I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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