It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
