Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
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Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
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Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize