I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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