No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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