I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
only you would photoshop your dick
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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