She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
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Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
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What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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