you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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