Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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