Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
