I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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