I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
