You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
