my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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