umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
