i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
