my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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