Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
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He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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