this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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