She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
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We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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