My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
