sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
