Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
