i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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