The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
