You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
