I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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