in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
