Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My feet surprised me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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