Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
