I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
