the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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