You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
