I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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