There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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