just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
there's paper in my vomit.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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