I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
