I think my fart just growled at me.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
