I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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