now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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