Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Randomize
