new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
