He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
