then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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