oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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