seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Sext me about skeletons
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I did not marry a roomba.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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