I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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