Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
