girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
