Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
