Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
