I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
