Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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