Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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