I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
