I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
